Hypothetically.

I have a completely hypothetical situation I’d like to get some opinions on, so that I might know how to feel if it ever happened to me.

So the story starts with a student, let’s call him Matt, who was studying at a large, well-known public university in his home state. One of Matt’s classes, Geography with Professor M. Goldman (a hypothetical teacher, of course. Not to be confused with Geography professor Mara Goldman, of the University of Colorado), always bored him. He tried desperately at the beginning of the semester to attend lecture, only to fall asleep. Let’s also suppose that Matt had a resurgence of sorts after missing some very important material one day while napping. He attended class more often, studied, and did very well on all the tests and quizzes. Now, this hypothetical class also had a hypothetical recitation. Let’s say that Matt enjoyed the recitation even less than the lecture because his TA was very obviously sexist and would take offense to almost any opinion in opposition to hers, especially one that was expressed by a male in the class. Matt, being an opinionated and knowledgeable male in the class, butted heads with the female TA on many occasions and she hypothetically tended to grade his work much more strictly than was necessary. None of this really ever concerned Matt, after all, he was doing fine on all the tests and quizzes and was keeping up in lecture. “Recitation is just supposed to help you solidify your information if you don’t understand it in lecture, right?” Matt hypothetically reasoned with himself. Then on the third to last week of class, Matt discovered something that could hypothetically ruin his hypothetical grade. He reread the syllabus and found that recitation was worth 50% of his overall class grade, while the quizzes were only 10% (total) and the midterm and final were 20% each. Matt was, needless to say, hypothetically pissed. His grade now almost completely rested on the red pen of a flighty grad student with an inflated ego and a feminist agenda instead of on his own work. Quickly tallying up his hypothetical grades, Matt discovered that an A was no longer possible. Something in the situation didn’t sit well with Matt. Perhaps it was that he had taken 2 quizzes and a Midterm and received grades of 90, 100, and 95 on them, respectively, but could not pull out an A in the class. That’s right, even a hypothetical grade of 100 on the final meant he would only receive an 84 for the overall class grade.

I feel it is always useful to go over realistic hypothetical life-situations in my head before they happen so that in the event that they one day occur, I can react appropriately. So I ask you know, how should Matt react to this hypothetical situation. I have to tell you, if this ever did happen to me, I would be completely, undoubtedly, and justifiably ticked. Hypothetically, of course.

Maybe I Just Won’t Sleep Tonight.

It’s one a.m. and I have an 8 a.m. recitation then a test later. And I couldn’t care less.

All I’ve been thinking about all night is how pointless college feels right now. It’s definitely not working out for me. I have no clue where I’m headed with my life, and classes certainly are not helping in that regard. I sit in my classes and feel like I should be doing something better. I’m doing decently, not as good as I could be, admittedly, but easily passing, but at the same time I don’t know what good it’s doing me. Sure, I’m “learning.” I’m learning chemistry, environmental terms and issues, and weather forecasting terms. So? It just feels worthless without an overall plan that it is working towards. And I definitely don’t have that plan.

Taking a year off always sounded so cliche to me, but now it’s making more and more sense. The problem is, I’d need to have a plan if I’m going to do that. I can’t just screw everything up. Talk about wasting money. Then again… I have a well-paying job, I could just make that full-time. I have a home to live in that I’m already paying rent for. And I could maybe go climb some mountains, go backpacking again. That would be amazing. At the same time, as I type all of this, I’m shaking my head at it. What would that prove? Ok, so I climbed some mountains, probably payed off some of my loans from this year, and worked a lot more. So what? I’m just supposed to go back to school after that and everything will be different? I don’t see how that will happen.

Somebody help me.

People I can’t Stand

Ok. I know I didn’t finish that other post as promised, but life hit me like the 203 bus and I couldn’t ever really get to it.

I am going to rant now. You received fair warning. I apologize for my possible language ahead of time.

People I can’t Stand:

• Professors.
  Well, not all of them I guess, but most. The ones who set you up to fail from the start. The ones who find pleasure in giving you no tests all year, only pop quizzes worth test grades. Pop quizzes, you can’t study for those kind. The ones who grade simple assignments as if you, the students, should know enough about the topic as they, the teachers, do. Your job is to teach, not to find out who can catch the strange wordage of your ridiculous trick question and get lucky enough to answer it in the only way that you will give credit for. I learn nothing from your classes when you are just trying to trick me constantly. We get it, you’re smarter than us… Now teach that to us!
• Landlords who you never see even though the house you moved into was a mess when you got there and has had appliance and plumbing issues that have popped up ever since.
  You’re a dick, Rusty.
• People who rub in their intellect.
  I honestly don’t want to hear you talking to your friend about how all your classes are “just honestly way too easy,” and that’s why you’re failing them. Shut up. If you really were so smart you would not have to prove it by using big words you found in the thesaurus last night in casual conversation or by making everyone around you feel stupid. If you’re that smart, prove it by sitting in the back of class, saying nothing and still passing. Don’t tell everyone about it because we honestly don’t care.
• Sean Penn.
  Seriously. What an idiot.
• High Schoolers who think they’re the shit.
  “Oh my god, what happened today was the most important thing that’s ever going to happen in my entire life and I need to tell you all about it right now as loudly as I can. Also, I can’t believe how much cooler I am than everyone else around me even though we all look and act the same in all.”
• College assholes who think they’re the shit.
  “My dad bought me a car and a flat screen tv, so I’m thinking we need to rage tonight bro. We can spike our hair and wear 4 layers of clothes that are way too big for us and maybe that will increase our chances to get some poon.” Get a job.
• Assholes who admit it and embrace it
  Take a 12-step program or something.
• That girl that I see like every time in Chemistry no matter where either of us sit.
  Sorry, you just annoy the piss out of me with everything you do.
• People who can’t respect most kinds of music.
  Just because you’re obsessed with (pop/metal/country/rock/rap/insert music style here) doesn’t mean there aren’t other genres out there that are worth listening to. Music is one of the greatest gifts mankind has. We can express things through music that are impossible without. Respect someone who does that, no matter the method they use.
• PeOpLe WhO tYpE lIkE tHiS.
  I’m either going to kill you or have an epileptic seizure and then kill you.
• People with public service jobs who hate it and take that anger out on the customer.
  All I did was ordered a burger/got on the bus/looked over your merchandise, man. I didn’t need you to go apeshit on me at all.
• Crazy liberals.
  Newsflash: Most citizens of America lean toward the middle. No one enjoys hearing about how much better you are than the alternative. We don’t need to constantly hear from you about how guns are bad, abortion is good, Global Warming is completely human-caused, the war in Iraq is the worst in history, Republicans eat babies, and Barack is the greatest thing since sliced bread.
  On notice: Michael Moore, Ward Churchill, Ted Kennedy, Al Franken, Al Sharpton, Al Gore, The Clintons
• Crazy conservatives.
  Newsflash: Most citizens of America lean toward the middle. No one enjoys hearing about how much better you are than the alternative. We don’t need to constantly see pictures of aborted fetuses or hear from you about how 9-11 changed everything, the environment isn’t changing at all, guns solve everything, and John McCain is a “maverick” (didn’t you hate him not too long ago?).
  On Notice: Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter, Bill O’Reilly, Dick Cheney, Dubya, Karl Rove, Sean Hannity
• The guys who came up with and/or continue to practice “planned obsolesence.”
  Look it up. You’ll agree with me.
• Carlos Mencia.
  Who convinced this guy that he’s funny at all? You couldn’t pay me enough money to listen to his act.
• People who can’t find happiness in any aspect of life at all.
  We get it, life sucks. Here’s the thing though, it sucks for all of us! I know people who have some of the worst stories you’ve ever heard and they still manage to smile, laugh, and not wear black make-up and clothes every day. You can too.

There are a lot more than that, but at this point I’ve blanked my mind. Yeah, I realize this is pretty hypocritical in a lot of ways, but the thing is I don’t complain all the time about these people or act on my disdain for them. I simply need to write down my issues with them once in a while. This is that once.

The People’s Republic of Boulder

There’s no sense mentioning this is my first blog in a long time. That much is painfully obvious. I should mention, however, a few reasons why: I moved to Boulder. Ok, so that was just one reason, but it pretty much encompasses every other smaller reason why I’ve been a mute as far as wordpress is concerned for a month. I moved the day after my last post, my roommates and I came up a bit early to acclimate ourselves to Boulder and our new home. The house is pretty nice, though the first few days it didn’t appear like it was going to be that way. Between the caked on grease, dirty dishes in the cabinets, and the coke straw in the kitchen, we started out on this path a little wary to say the least. Paint, Lysol and elbow grease can settle even the most skeptical mind, and after applying the three, we finally settled in. The first order of business was to get to know Boulder a little better (for me anyway). This proved easier than I thought it would and I quickly started looking for jobs. Even that ended up being much less difficult than I expected; I started my new job at McGuckin Hardware a week after I moved to the city. I started to feel very comfortable with the groove I was settling into. And that’s when school started and threw everything off.

Ok, speaking of school, I have a 9 am in the morning and taking the bus there means I have to get up even earlier than I should, so part 2 of this will have to come tomorrow night.

It’s a John Mayer kind of night.

I am totally content right now laying in my bed listening to John Mayer’s music while searching other blogs. I can’t sleep or I don’t want to sleep, even though I will be awake early for church. I’m not anxious about moving on Monday, even though my room is strewn with unpacked paraphernalia. And I’m not even upset at myself for the usual things, even though I haven’t done anything to remedy any of them.

So that’s all I have for tonight.

Lonesome.

Is it so wrong to be lonely? To feel a little self-pity? Sometimes a person almost can’t help it. Life turns to crap and we don’t feel like anything can fix it. Can that be healthy? Who knows I guess. A lot of people hold the opinion that it isn’t, though. That we need to always be happy and carefree and living in the now. But I just don’t operate that way. I look back into the past constantly and worry about the future the rest of the time. That is, whenever “now” isn’t working for me. Which sure seems to happen more often than not anymore. I’ve started to realize more and more that no matter how many friends I have, I don’t have a best friend. I don’t have someone that would stick up for me no matter what. Take my side in a serious situation. Pull me back from the brink should I ever reach it. And I’ve never had that person. I don’t know why that is. Maybe it’s because I didn’t grow up around a lot of kids my age. Maybe it’s because I was picked on. Maybe it’s because I took to being a smart ass because of the bullying. I don’t think I’ll ever know for sure. And I certainly don’t have a girlfriend that can fit in that category. Which would be ideal. It just seems like no matter what I try, everything falls through. No matter how I act, it doesn’t work out. So once again, I don’t know why I wrote this for sure. just needed to vent again. I had a bad, lonely day, and I needed to get that out there.

Pointless

I opened this new entry up and then just stared at it for a long time as Coldplay’s “Viva La Vida” played in my earbuds. Instead of writing anything, though, I drifted off into an almost asleep state. I could still hear the song, still feel the warmth of my laptop on my legs, but my body just became so relaxed. Indescribably relaxed. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt so completely comfortable while still awake in my life (you know that feeling of a warm shower after a long day of work? It was kind of like that but…dry). I woke up when the song clicked over to Rock N’ Roll by Zeppelin (quite a jump, gotta love shuffle mode), and I looked at the totally blank wordpress screen and sighed. I had started this because I felt like I really needed to write something. Maybe you know the feeling, when there is definitely something profound inside of you and it’s just itching to burst out of your fingertips and into computer memory, but you can’t tap the well. It’s not like I needed to vent really, I did some of that already tonight. I guess I just felt like maybe there was something special in me tonight. Haha that sounds so vain. It’s hard to explain… Either way though, it doesn’t look like anything is going to come from it. When I finally got frustrated enough, I just started writing down what happened and that’s apparently what this entry is going to end up as. I guess it’s kind of a sad, cliche metaphor for my summer: a lot of meaningless, time-consuming moments and thoughts that ultimately end up being… pretty pointless.

Lost. And Found?

(I haven’t written in forever, more on that later)

One thing is absolutely for sure: I lost something tonight. Something else has a much cloudier answer, but I hope beyond hope that I may have found something too.

First for the losing. Tonight, after basically a year-long yo-yo act (leave and return, leave and return) I lost my first love. Well maybe I should put lost in quotes. I “lost” her in my heart tonight. I haven’t really known where her heart has been for quite some time now. The crazy thing is… it still hurts. Half of me didn’t expect that finally hearing the words I didn’t want to hear would pierce me as it has. The other half of me knew all along, of course, and he also knew that I was being ridiculous to listen to my naive side. I was still clinging, though, and now I’ve let go of that last pinky. I’m falling away fast now, flying back up just isn’t an option. I really don’t know if I will land on something soft or not, but as a friend told me tonight, “You can only look to the future,” and as corny as that is, I’m listening. I’m trying desperately to stop looking up at the edge of the cliff as it disappears into the night, but turning while you’re falling isn’t an easy task.

So how about the finding? Well the thing is, ever since I’ve returned home from school (that is, for the last month or so) I’ve felt just so completely out-of-place! People have commented to me before that I seemed “different” but they couldn’t, or wouldn’t, elaborate. Right before I let go of her I got somewhat of an explanation. She said she didn’t want to forget the “old” me by ruining that image with the “new” me. Harsh. And it made me look at myself in the mirror. Literally, I went to the bathroom and stared at my reflection. I wiped away the single tear that fell from my eye, the last drop she’ll cause me to shed, and took a step back. I didn’t like what I saw, to say the least. And it wasn’t just the physical reflection, which has also suffered, it was what I saw in my eyes. That sounds bad, I know, but I really did look into my eyes… and they seemed desolate. I had looked before and seen a sort of gleam there, and now it was dull. What have I been doing with myself?

Well you wouldn’t really be able to answer that, would you? Seeing as I haven’t written since Finals Week back at the very beginning of May, if anyone was following my journal, they certainly aren’t now. Well finals were obviously stressful, and moving everything out was even worse, so you have to forgive me for those two weeks or so. Beyond that, I really have no excuse. My summer has sucked; I can’t find a job, I’ve had to deal with all of this, I haven’t done anything really towards fixing my weight… If anything I probably should have been writing even more than ever with all of that. Maybe, ultimately, not writing is to blame for me becoming “more dickish.” After all, this section is called “My Vent,” maybe when I don’t use My Vent I bend at the seams a bit. No matter what, tonight was (I hope) a much needed wake-up call for me. I’m going to try to get back on track over the next month and then get myself up to Boulder and start all over. Not the easiest task, for sure, but maybe I can just take heart in the words of John Mayer until then:
“It’s really over, you made your stand
You got me crying, as was your plan
But when my loneliness is through,
I’m gonna find another you

You take your sweaters
You take your time
You might have your reasons but you will never have my rhyme
I’m gonna sing my way away from blue
I’m gonna find another you.”

Boy of Summer

What defines summer better than our national pastime?  Warm sun. The smell of fresh cut grass. Hanging out with friends (lots of em). Cold drinks to cool you off. The crack of a base hit. Flashing leather. Strike outs. The roar of the crowd after a walk off home run.

The Boys of Summer are back in full force. I can’t think of anything better than that.

Procrastination Makes Mark a Fickle Boy

Yeah, I used fickle in my title.

So as you might guess I spent tonight as I spend nearly every night: procrastinating. Here’s the thing though, I really don’t think procrastination is always such a terrible thing. For instance, if I was purely working tonight, I wouldn’t have been able to see my Rockies win their season opener. If I was doing my spanish homework and not allowing for interruption, I would have never talked with a really cool girl on AIM for… was it really an hour? I guess time flies when you’re having a great conversation. So I guess my point is, procrastination can lead to some really rewarding experiences.

BUT

I now sit at my desk as the clock chimes 12:44 am (doesn’t your clock chime then, too?) with 11 spanish lab manual assignments to do and a paper to edit for tomorrow.

Then again…
I can always put the editing off until after lunch, right? haha.

Like I have alluded to, I’m in a good mood. If I told you there were two main reasons why, could you guess? Although, being in a good mood isn’t conducive to getting work done right now. On the contrary, being in a good mood is causing me to sit back and think about summer, baseball, Colorado, my birthday this weekend, and in the back of my mind…. what if? Possibly more on that to come in the future. We’ll just have to see. For now, no quiero hacer la tarea. I think that’s right. I quit spanish.