Dazed and Wanted

So I overthink things all the time. Actually, pretty much constantly. And most of the time movies will cause me to do just that. That said, I watched two movies today: Dazed and Confused and Wanted. Now, these two movies couldn’t be farther from similar. One is about how high school kids spent the summer of 1976, while the other is a shoot-’em-up flick that I thought was closer to Office Space on a bad acid trip than anything else. Yet after both movies I thought about the same thing, which can really be summed up by the last line in Wanted, when the main character turns to the camera after sniping out his last enemy and says, “What the fuck have you done lately?”

Dazed and Confused may not have asked that question so blatantly or in quite the same terms, but ultimately I did. What have I done with my life lately? I’ve worked. And when I wasn’t working I did nothing really. Not the kind of “nothing” they did in the movie, either. In the movie they had a blast, they lived life. I can’t exactly say that I’ve followed that path. In fact, the opposite is probably true: I’ve worried about life too much while not living it at all.

It’s almost like this blog is a small picture of what I’m talking about too. How many times have I said on here that I want to do what Wesley did in Wanted? To “take back control of my life?” The sad thing is that for every time I actually wrote it down, there were at least ten times more that I thought it and didn’t commit it to words. I’m constantly saying that I need to reform my path because it just isn’t working for me, but I guess I don’t really know how to do that. No matter where I go to, no matter what I decide to do with my life, no matter who I associate with, I’m still the same old guy who feels lonely in a crowded room and can’t manage to get his self-esteem up to average.

I don’t even know how to finish this post, how the hell am I supposed to know how to set up the rest of my life? I need some inspiration of sorts, and it needs to be something that can travel. I need to have it with me at all times, or else I’ll fall back to… this. And I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. I don’t deserve pity. But at the same time, if someone thinks they can help, that’s a different story.

Time for me to go, I have to go back to work tomorrow. And the next day. And the next. And the next.

Lonesome.

Is it so wrong to be lonely? To feel a little self-pity? Sometimes a person almost can’t help it. Life turns to crap and we don’t feel like anything can fix it. Can that be healthy? Who knows I guess. A lot of people hold the opinion that it isn’t, though. That we need to always be happy and carefree and living in the now. But I just don’t operate that way. I look back into the past constantly and worry about the future the rest of the time. That is, whenever “now” isn’t working for me. Which sure seems to happen more often than not anymore. I’ve started to realize more and more that no matter how many friends I have, I don’t have a best friend. I don’t have someone that would stick up for me no matter what. Take my side in a serious situation. Pull me back from the brink should I ever reach it. And I’ve never had that person. I don’t know why that is. Maybe it’s because I didn’t grow up around a lot of kids my age. Maybe it’s because I was picked on. Maybe it’s because I took to being a smart ass because of the bullying. I don’t think I’ll ever know for sure. And I certainly don’t have a girlfriend that can fit in that category. Which would be ideal. It just seems like no matter what I try, everything falls through. No matter how I act, it doesn’t work out. So once again, I don’t know why I wrote this for sure. just needed to vent again. I had a bad, lonely day, and I needed to get that out there.

Pointless

I opened this new entry up and then just stared at it for a long time as Coldplay’s “Viva La Vida” played in my earbuds. Instead of writing anything, though, I drifted off into an almost asleep state. I could still hear the song, still feel the warmth of my laptop on my legs, but my body just became so relaxed. Indescribably relaxed. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt so completely comfortable while still awake in my life (you know that feeling of a warm shower after a long day of work? It was kind of like that but…dry). I woke up when the song clicked over to Rock N’ Roll by Zeppelin (quite a jump, gotta love shuffle mode), and I looked at the totally blank wordpress screen and sighed. I had started this because I felt like I really needed to write something. Maybe you know the feeling, when there is definitely something profound inside of you and it’s just itching to burst out of your fingertips and into computer memory, but you can’t tap the well. It’s not like I needed to vent really, I did some of that already tonight. I guess I just felt like maybe there was something special in me tonight. Haha that sounds so vain. It’s hard to explain… Either way though, it doesn’t look like anything is going to come from it. When I finally got frustrated enough, I just started writing down what happened and that’s apparently what this entry is going to end up as. I guess it’s kind of a sad, cliche metaphor for my summer: a lot of meaningless, time-consuming moments and thoughts that ultimately end up being… pretty pointless.