Lost. And Found?

(I haven’t written in forever, more on that later)

One thing is absolutely for sure: I lost something tonight. Something else has a much cloudier answer, but I hope beyond hope that I may have found something too.

First for the losing. Tonight, after basically a year-long yo-yo act (leave and return, leave and return) I lost my first love. Well maybe I should put lost in quotes. I “lost” her in my heart tonight. I haven’t really known where her heart has been for quite some time now. The crazy thing is… it still hurts. Half of me didn’t expect that finally hearing the words I didn’t want to hear would pierce me as it has. The other half of me knew all along, of course, and he also knew that I was being ridiculous to listen to my naive side. I was still clinging, though, and now I’ve let go of that last pinky. I’m falling away fast now, flying back up just isn’t an option. I really don’t know if I will land on something soft or not, but as a friend told me tonight, “You can only look to the future,” and as corny as that is, I’m listening. I’m trying desperately to stop looking up at the edge of the cliff as it disappears into the night, but turning while you’re falling isn’t an easy task.

So how about the finding? Well the thing is, ever since I’ve returned home from school (that is, for the last month or so) I’ve felt just so completely out-of-place! People have commented to me before that I seemed “different” but they couldn’t, or wouldn’t, elaborate. Right before I let go of her I got somewhat of an explanation. She said she didn’t want to forget the “old” me by ruining that image with the “new” me. Harsh. And it made me look at myself in the mirror. Literally, I went to the bathroom and stared at my reflection. I wiped away the single tear that fell from my eye, the last drop she’ll cause me to shed, and took a step back. I didn’t like what I saw, to say the least. And it wasn’t just the physical reflection, which has also suffered, it was what I saw in my eyes. That sounds bad, I know, but I really did look into my eyes… and they seemed desolate. I had looked before and seen a sort of gleam there, and now it was dull. What have I been doing with myself?

Well you wouldn’t really be able to answer that, would you? Seeing as I haven’t written since Finals Week back at the very beginning of May, if anyone was following my journal, they certainly aren’t now. Well finals were obviously stressful, and moving everything out was even worse, so you have to forgive me for those two weeks or so. Beyond that, I really have no excuse. My summer has sucked; I can’t find a job, I’ve had to deal with all of this, I haven’t done anything really towards fixing my weight… If anything I probably should have been writing even more than ever with all of that. Maybe, ultimately, not writing is to blame for me becoming “more dickish.” After all, this section is called “My Vent,” maybe when I don’t use My Vent I bend at the seams a bit. No matter what, tonight was (I hope) a much needed wake-up call for me. I’m going to try to get back on track over the next month and then get myself up to Boulder and start all over. Not the easiest task, for sure, but maybe I can just take heart in the words of John Mayer until then:
“It’s really over, you made your stand
You got me crying, as was your plan
But when my loneliness is through,
I’m gonna find another you

You take your sweaters
You take your time
You might have your reasons but you will never have my rhyme
I’m gonna sing my way away from blue
I’m gonna find another you.”