Easter Vigil. Join me on the Mountain.

Our school got a break for Easter this year, but I didn’t go home because of the distance. Father Dan (the wonderful man I spoke about in my last post) let me know that the friars were having services on Mount Irenaeus. Side Info: Mt. Irenaeus is a series of cabins, two “houses”, and a chapel where some Fransiscan friars stay. It’s essentially a really neat friary and an amazing place for retreat. So anyway, I’ve been here before and knew it would be an awesome experience so I drove up here with another student (about 30 minutes away) this afternoon. As soon as we drove in I knew I made the right choice. Let me try to explain what the mountain is…
The Mountain is: a home away from home, great food, better company, a fellowship, a community, an experience.
The Mountain can be: utter silence and resonant laughter, a retreat and a meeting place, introversion and extroversion, solitary and communal.
The Mountain is: a seminary and a dating service, a chat room and a church, a classical piano piece with guitar solos.
The Mountain is a place for: Catholics, Protestants, Buddhists, Jews, Muslims, Atheists, Agnostics, Pagans, and Wiccans.
The Mountain is: the first day of spring, snowfall on a winter night, the changing of the leaves, and the lazy days of summer.
The Mountain is: a warm shower after a hard day, the soothing calm before the storm, and a cool glass of lemonade on an August afternoon.
The Mountain can energize your soul, reform your thoughts, pull you back from the edge, reaffirm your faith, relax your nerves, and cure what ails ya.
The Mountain is a holy place, for ordinary people.

Ok so… needless to say I’ve had an amazing time up here. I’ve met new people and taken a deep look at where my life was heading. I’ve also laughed a LOT and maybe figured out where some of my strengths are. The Easter Vigil Mass up here was gorgeous. We decorated the Chapel with all kinds of flowers, lilies, daffodils, more lilies, daisies and on and on. It looked amazing. People came up from the surrounding towns to celebrate with us in the small room and it soon was filled with the voices of proclamation and healing. It started around 9 and we didn’t leave until 11:30… but it felt like 30 minutes. That’s what my Dad would call, “Good church,” with a smile. Now I’m the last one awake, sitting by the fire, typing away and listening to music. Can this be more relaxing?

Happy Easter everyone.
God Bless.

Tears on my Pillow (For real…)

Ok so this was a dream I had last night (yeah, I know, really late in the day to be posting a dream, but I stayed at school for break so I literally have nothing to do BUT sleep in).

Anyway, the main person besides me in the dream is someone that I haven’t talked to in a while (not necessarily by my doing either…) who I really care a lot about. So in the dream I went home for summer and was hanging out with the person when… we had a fight about something. I’m not even sure what the fight was about but I know I felt like I was trying to help and they just got upset. Well I left and we were both upset, but a little later on in the dream (for some reason I thought it was like a week. Doesn’t matter though) I got the news that the person had died. Now I know this is a fairly normal sensation to have. It’s the whole, “What if someone I loved died and the last thing I said to them was something mean?” And I guess ultimately that’s what it was about. It’s just my reaction after I woke up that was different. In the dream I started freaking out and I ran to the person’s house frantically. As I approached the door I saw their parents and I kinda fell down and cried. That’s when I woke up. Crying. I didn’t start crying when I woke up, I was already crying. That’s never happened to me before. I’ve woken up from a nightmare freaking out, punching the air, grabbing at stuff, but never crying. I don’t know… it just really shook me (yeah, I know, I’m kind of a pansy, but I don’t care). Anyway… I immediately texted the person. I know they’re just fine but… it’s like I just need to hear it. And I haven’t yet. I’ve been up like an hour though and I’m fine, it was just a weird way to wake up this morning I guess.

Father Dan

Ok, so if you read my last blog, you know that this morning was really weird. Well this afternoon really wasn’t much different. I would sit down to work on my paper, eventually get frustrated with my thinking about other things and go for a walk. This happened several times. So anyway, as I walked in the rain (thinking, of course) I kept running into this one priest. Father Dan is an amazing guy and I’ve talked with him A LOT this semester (pretty much anytime that something has bothered me) and he just seems to be everywhere I am when I am in most need. He is an extremely jovial man and his laugh is incredibly infectious. At the same time, he always seems to know something is wrong just from a glance. So like I said, I kept bumping into him on my walks. He was at the intersection of the paths. As I walked through UMin I could hear his laugh echoing. He was outside of Doyle Hall as I entered it. Over and over! Each time he was headed somewhere so we never really said much besides pleasantries. However… after the first meeting it seemed he could tell something was up. He laughed when he saw me and then he asked how I was and I said (lyingly), “Fine.” That’s when he lost the grin and cocked his head at me. He didn’t say anything but when he left he looked back. I felt like I had troubled him, which troubled me. Later, the final time we found each other, I looked at him and said (before he could say anything really), “Again!” He was with another priest walking and he smiled and said, “Yes!” But then… as I walked by he turned and said to me behind the other man’s back, “Soon, Mark. Very soon,” and he smiled that huge grin and walked away. I almost stopped in my tracks. I don’t know why. What did he mean? This has been what I’ve thought about all afternoon now. The thing is, every time I think about those words and I see that round cheery face, balding head, gray beard, and ear to ear smile… I feel better. I think, “He’s right. Soon is right.” I still don’t know what “soon” is, but I know he’s right. That’s kind of all I need I guess.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still in a weird state… I’m still shaking my head when I type things (like this) and I’m still thinking about everything, but… in the back of my mind… I know one thing:

“Soon, Mark. Very soon.”

The Strangest of Mornings…

I am in… the strangest place right now. It’s only 1 but it has been a most strange morning. I can’t put my finger on it, but something has really thrown me off today.

Maybe it’s that I couldn’t sleep until 6 am after reading my friend’s blog which snapped me back to a time last semester when I couldn’t think straight.
Maybe it’s that I had the strangest night of intermittent stops and starts in my sleep, each occurring in the middle of strange and irregular dreams that I can’t even describe.
Maybe it’s that after all that I woke up early for class today, a class I never wake up early for.
Maybe it’s that immediately after I woke up I received a text from the last recognizable person in my final dream.
Maybe it’s that when I looked outside it was raining and I completely expected it.
Maybe it’s that as I walked to class the “rain” wasn’t sticking to me, but bouncing off my jacket and cap (almost a sleet, but not ice).
Maybe it’s that all through class I simply drank my pop and everything probably seemed normal to everyone, I joked some, I took notes, I got lost in the lecture, finally I left and ate lunch. All normal, but at the same time completely the opposite.
Maybe it’s that everywhere I walked I could feel people looking at me and almost being upset to see a “scowl” on my face. I could see their surprise and I wished I could tell them all, “It’s not a glare, my eyebrows are lowered because I’m thinking.”
Maybe it’s how I felt like I couldn’t tell them this, no matter how much I wanted to or tried. I felt almost trapped behind the expression on my face.
Maybe it’s how I could feel my heartbeat in all my extremities, and how my lips slowly became more noticeable to me as they become dried because I haven’t really closed my mouth all morning.
Maybe it’s how I glanced at the dining hall schedule on my way out of it and discovered I won’t have any food from Friday night until Monday afternoon. And I expected it.
Maybe it’s how when I made that simple glimpse at the chart the small Asian lady who swipes our cards spoke to me. She had been talking to someone else, who was between us, and the person left at the same time that I walked by and she leaned back in her chair and said to me (though she wasn’t looking at me at all), “I’m sorry, you’ll have to find something else to eat over the weekend, seeing as you’re staying over break. Maybe order something since you can’t cook in the dorm you’re in.”
Maybe it’s how I haven’t ever really talked with her before, much less ever mentioned to her that I was staying this weekend or which dorm I live in.
Maybe it’s how my eyes keep going out of focus when I’m really thinking about something hard.

On the other hand,
Maybe it’s just the paper I have due tomorrow that I can’t write.

So even after that lengthy and somewhat strange description of my morning and why I might feel how I do… I’m lost. I look at what I wrote and just kinda shake my head…none of it really makes sense to me. Hell saying it doesn’t make sense didn’t even make sense. It’s like there’s something inside me just itching to get out through my fingertips and use this keyboard to explain itself but I’m not doing a good enough job. And I know that because whatever it is that wants out is not happy with the job I’m doing. Causing me to scowl and think and shake my head when I don’t get it right yet again. When I read that it sounds very creepy. It’s not like a possession, don’t get me wrong. It’s more like… I know there’s something inside that I want to try to explain, and I am upset with myself that I can’t figure it out. I guess that’s a decent enough explanation because when I read that I finally didn’t shake my head in disgust, but rather shrugged as in “Well, I guess…”

So I guess this is kind of a plea. To no one really. Because I know that no one really reads this blog. But I obviously can’t figure it out on my own. Maybe… just maybe… if someone reads this and they get inspired… tell me. Maybe that’s the answer. Maybe.

Close my lids and bring me the dawn, Lord.

Wow, I really can’t believe I’m up. The time you see on the stamp is right, and I’ll let you know I’m starting this at…3:02 am so… you can do the math and see how much time I spend on this.

I have to admit, I’m somewhat familiar with this time of night. It’s the time when television shows switch to “paid programming,” in other words, it’s when I find out about all sorts of useless products and compilation albums. Usually I turn the tv off about now and try to force myself to sleep but… I just can’t do it tonight. So here I sit with my lights on and tv turned way down low, typing away on my MacBook.

I don’t really know what I’m planning on saying here, maybe I’m already saying it. Who knows really. I guess I just needed to vent, it’s been a while and stuff is really starting to pile up. Literally. The only things not stacking up right now are my grades… yikes. I haven’t balanced my checkbook in weeks, I just finished 3 spanish assignments (actually, that’s a lie, I finished 2 1/2, I need some help) and I still have 3 calc assignments that I just keep putting off more and more. In fact, that is pretty likely to become 4 or 5 assignments tomorrow morning at 10:20 am. Calc doesn’t wait for you, Mark. It’s not like I didn’t know that though. It’s simply laziness, in its purest form. That and the fact that the world doesn’t run on my clock.

If you’re reading this you more than likely already know how I feel about my spanish teacher. I’m not going to go much into that besides adding this: for the second time in my life I’m resigning a class to a bad grade. The only other time was last semester with that dick history professor. I really wish I didn’t care about grades. College would be a lot more enjoyable. Come to think of it, so would have been high school… hell life would probably have been more enjoyable to this point without effing grades. Grades have become one of my pet peeves. And it’s because of things like this spanish class. You’re gonna fail someone simply because they don’t come to class?? No matter the fact that they really know what they’re doing, no matter the fact that they can pass all your tests and should probably be in the level above yours, and no matter the fact that they are a nice person who really tries in your class. It doesn’t matter though, because that’s not how she works. Which is ridiculous. Also, grades can be SO deceiving! Take that spanish class (again). I go to town on those oversized homework assignments. I learn that crap front to back. And once in a great while I forget to do one small section, but the way she grades means that could cost me 25 points! She only grades four of those small sections. From the entire set of problems!! So if she “happens” to decide that the one I missed is one she wants to grade (frightening how often that seems to happen too… hmmm) then I get a 75% on the whole assignment. That starts to add up. Not to mention that her tests are completely different from anything we do in class. All assignments are listen, fill-in-the-blank, correct a sentence, choose between two options, etc., but then the tests are suddenly based on “write a 7-8 sentences about shopping at the mall using everything we’ve learned in class.” See that’s great and all but… the review isn’t even based like that! We never get the opportunity to put our own sentences together in a clear fashion and have them graded to see if we are doing them correctly before the test. Not ONCE! The result is some of the worst test scores I’ve ever set my eyes on. I’m starting to shake thinking about the upcoming test on Wednesday. I really don’t know how I’m going to get more than a 70 on it.

MAN I am really rambling. This has no discernible structure whatsoever. I’m really sorry if anyone has the misfortune of reading this. I think that ultimately I’m upset about things but at the same time I’m lacking any motivation to fix them. I’m getting sick (partly) from lack of sleep, yet I’m up beyond 3 am consistently. I’m disgusted with my weight gain but I haven’t been to the gym since Christmas break. I’m falling behind in my classes but I spend most of my daylight wasting time. I can’t really say that I need to quit being a “college kid” and focus because… I’m not even doing that! I’m not partying or spending too much time with friends or going out to eat all the time. In fact… I’m doing a lot of the opposites to those things. I haven’t been to a party since I came to school, I spend most of my time alone in my room (or alone… really anywhere I end up at besides if I manage to go over to Shay), and I don’t have a car so I pretty much eat at the cafeteria every day (again, alone). I don’t really know why I have ended up doing almost everything alone. I kind of stopped hanging out with my friends from last semester because… well they both seemed to become busy suddenly (both of them got girls over break…) and at the same time I wanted to try to look for people who got out and about more often. So basically… I failed in doing that. Kind of. I did find a really great core group of guys over in Shay but, that’s the issue, they’re in Shay. They’re already friends, they don’t really need me in any way. So why would they invite me to do much? Especially since I’m not exactly conveniently located. I guess I’m starting to feel very… alone again. This happened last semester when I found out Mandi had a new boyfriend and when some friends here started pulling away. I responded by doing the same, pulling away into my room and becoming a recluse. God, how did I let myself get this way again. Now that I step back and look at it… hell I might be worse off than I was right before Christmas. Damnit… I think that I’m having some really bad issues with jealousy. All I do is look around at friends, and people I don’t even know, and want what they have. I want to have some athletic ability, maybe then I wouldn’t have to be so concerned with being smart and I could just skate by. I want to be in Colorado, I never really realized how much I would miss that place. I want to have a friend, someone that I can rely on completely and vice versa. I want to have a college experience, not just some drawn out seclusion where I slowly become a raving introvert. I want to really laugh again… to really laugh. Laugh without caring about tomorrow or later today or whatever. Laugh just because I can. Laugh like a little kid. Laugh because everything is in-hand.

All I’m really doing at this point is getting myself worked up so… I think it’s time that I force myself to sleep (this is close to being the second longest thing I’ve written all semester, behind a term paper.) So yeah, I’m going to go flop down in bed for a while and run everything over and over in my mind again. Eventually I’ll tire myself out and pass out. I’ll see you after about 4 hours of dreamless sleep.

Anymore

Also wrote this a while back and decided to post it. And yes, it IS a rap song (I guess….)

I’m up late again. Feeling like I can’t win.
I should be studying something.
Who knows what subject this time, they all seem like a waste of mine. Anymore.
Haven’t cried yet. Not gonna bet, yet.
Tears don’t seem like they stream,
As easily as they used to. The well runs dry even when I’m blue. Anymore.

That Square State, is looking so great.
Square in shape but not in my heart.
All four sides hold in my past, but my present and future? I don’t ask. Anymore.
Hearing from my dad, that sure made me glad.
I almost fell to tears, but not apart.
He offers prayers and comfort, Grandpa’s heart might not hurt. Anymore.

Anymore. I feel outta place.
Can’t quite fit the mold,
Anymore. Living so fast paced.
Future mostly uncontrolled,
Anymore.

Up late again. Such is common. Anymore.
Open my book. Take one look, but I’m so shook,
Anymore. I can’t focus with so much mess.

Songs will play one last time in my head,
Before I finally succumb to bed,
And into dreams of a life I dread.
Do I swim the way, or simply tread,
Anymore?

Searching….

I wrote this a while back but decided to post it cuz I was reading it and definitely feel similar right now.

I’m searching. I don’t even really know for what at this point, but I need to find it. Am I making the right moves? I know some aren’t right, but I’m working on those. The ones that bother me are just so up in the air.

My time: Is this worth it? Am I making the best use of it?

I thought it was homesickness, and I’ll admit that is a large part even still, but now there seems to be so much more to it. This has been keeping me up at nights. Upsetting my stomach. Drawing me into seclusion. I’m pushing away any form of “solid ground” here because (I think) I seem to not see myself staying here. Or something.

Do what makes you happy. That’s a fine phrase. Until someone doesn’t honestly know anymore what makes them “happy.” That’s where I am I guess. Ultimately that’s what I’m searching for, right? Why is it so difficult for me to do that? I thought I had found it, but that seems so impure and jaded now. At least I think it does. Anyway, I spent a solid two hours tonight walking and thinking about what truly would make me happy in a career. Nothing. I drew a blank. All I ended up doing was exhausting my mind even more. Am I supposed to search for it? Or will it just come to me? I am so lost right now!

More than anything I’m frustrated with myself. I’ve always said (at the risk of sounding “cocky”), “I’m good at everything and great at nothing.” My problem is, I want to be great at something! I want to excel at the thing I choose for my career because it is when I excel that I am happy.That’s part of the reason I’m looking back at what I decided on before, I’m not having as much fun with it as I was. Maybe that sounds selfish, but I don’t care. I thought I was picking something I could excel at, and all I do now is see how middle-of-the pack I feel.

I don’t even know how to close this off. Maybe it really isn’t ending, I’m just sick of it like everything else…..

My spanish teacher is a Nazi & Greeting Card sites can go to hell

That’s right, exactly what the title says!!!

Ok, so first with the ridonkulous greeting card site. Back in january I got online and was trying to make a card I could print out for Carey. I had to sign up for the trial version and I was like whatever… Then it didn’t even work on my comp so I just let it go. A little while ago I got an e-mail from them saying something about my membership so I e-mailed them back saying I would like to cancel my trial membership. They e-mailed me back saying I had to effing call them between these ridiculous hours and cancel because they don’t do it online (even tho they are an ONLINE GREETING CARD COMPANY!!!! WHAT?!). So I finally found the time today to call them during their office hours. The lady on the phone (who had bronchitis, I’m quite sure) informed me that I had purchased the default $19.95 full membership because it had been 30 days. EXCUSE ME?! What the eff is up with automatic purchases?! GAH!!!!!!!!!!

So yeah that only compounds the fact that my Spanish teacher is, as I stated, a full-on practicing Nazi. I missed some classes before break for various reasons and then right after break (monday) I slept through literally all of my classes because I had been up for 30+ hours. I even set my alarm for those classes but I just slept right through it. I couldn’t really do anything about it! So anyway, I went up to her after class to talk to her and apologize for Monday. At this point I already knew she was somewhat Nazi-ish simply based on the absurd amount of work she has assigned all year (we are essentially teaching ourselves spanish and then asking her if it’s right… stupid), but she solidified her position among the names of Hitler, Goebbels, and Himmler by what she said next. I was sure that her syllabus said that more than 3 absences equaled points off or something similar. I talked to her and this was our convo (and I QUOTE!), “Sra. Hancock, I’m sorry I missed class on monday, I had been up for 30 hours traveling back here and I tried to come to class but completely slept through my alarm.” “Oh, well thank you for telling me, Mark. Traveling can certainly be tough sometimes. This is your 4th absence right?” “Um, yeah I think it is.” “Ok, well that isn’t very good for you. It’s going to drop you a letter grade.” “Excuse me, I didn’t hear you right. I think you said a letter-grade. That would be ridiculous, I’m sure it was something like… a few points.” “No, in the syllabus I said that it will drop you a full letter.”
I walked out of the room at that point and slammed the door. I really don’t give a shit if she is mad at me from now on because is it really going to make a difference?? I’m going to get a crappy grade in that class now for SURE. As in… I physically CAN’T get a good grade!! DAMNIT! Who does that?? That’s the strictest attendance policy I’ve ever heard of! I didn’t even have a teacher that strict in HIGH SCHOOL, and everyone says that college is easier in that regard. Whatever tho, I’ve been nice to her in class but she better not expect much more of that anymore. I’m gonna go learn German on the side and start speaking to her in that because I’m positive that is her TRUE first language.
Sieg Heil!!

excuse the rant…